Hi. Before you continue, I just want you to know that I am just making this for shits and giggles and it isn't really that serious. This is pretty much just a comedy that brings all of the actual Creepypastas together and pokes fun at them. I do not take credit for creating any of these characters (except for Brian, who you'll meet later), and this story is purely for the purpose of satire and comedy (and maybe a bit of horror as well). I apologize in advance if anyone should find any of my content offensive.
I know that all of that was probably really boring to read, and I'm sorry, it's just people these days are just very thin-skinned and would sue over literally anything (I may just poke some fun at that as well.) All warnings and legal stuff behind, let's have some fun and have a laugh at some internet horror stories!
***
'Twas about midnight on a warm summers eve. Jeff the Killer was reclining casually in the sturdy branches of an oak tree, staring up at the bits of starry sky that happened to be peeking through the vast clumps of leaves and acorns. He had just gone through a tough night of murder and was now taking a rest and trying to get some shuteye.
He couldn't really get shuteye, perse, because the idiot had burnt his freaking eyelids off. It seemed like a good idea at the time, when his sanity had initially snapped, but now he was kind of regretting it, mainly because it made it difficult for him to sleep, and he was tired right now.
He sighed at his past stupidity, shrugged because he really couldn't do anything about it now, and pulled his hoodie up over his forever open eyes to block out what little light was there. He pulled the drawstring and called it a night.
Suddenly Jeff was jolted awake by a shaking in the branch he was currently lying in and fell five feet to the ground. He landed on his hands and knees, breathing heavily and shakily. He looked up to see what had so rudely awakened him and saw none other than the infamous and Mary Sue-ish Jane the Killer.
She wobbled and then fell next to him. "Dammit! Why'd you have to be sleeping in a tree?!," she exclaimed. "Because after I killed my family and became a murderer I had to leave my old home to get away from the fuzz. Also, I was a 13-year-old serial killer with no job, so I had no way of paying mortgage if I did stay," Jeff replied.
"Maybe you shouldn't have done any of that crazy stuff at all! Then we'd both still be living happy lives, but nooooo, you had to go crazy and screw everything up!" "You know I only did that because a serious accident messed my head up, right?," Jeff said while sighing. Women just don't understand his lifestyle.
"Well, the same thing happened to me, and I don't go around killing innocent people and sleeping in trees! Any way, DIE YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!" Jane lunged at him with her knife unsheathed, glinting in the starlight.
Jeff dodged it and grabbed her arm with unrealistic speed, because online idiots don't seem to understand the physical limitations of the human body and that Jeff was human. Then again, if you read the original version of his story, you would see that his creator didn't quite grasp the effects of biochemistry, either.
He smirked at her. "You know, it's kinda funny that you keep stalking me like a yandere when you hate me so much," he said in an annoying tone. "Shut up! It's not like I like you or anything! B-Baka!," she replied, blushing. "Oh, so now you're a tsu- AAAAA!!!" He was abruptly cut off by a swift kick to the crotch by Jane.
"That's enough out of you. Now, go to sleep!" "Hey! That's fighting dirty! And you stole my line!," Jeff protested from the ground. "Too bad for you," she said while shrugging. She plunged the knife toward his gut, but her hand was stopped by a slimy, black tentacle that glistened with moist in the moonlight.
"Hey! This doesn't concern you, No-Face!," she shouted at the tall, slender being who had restrained her. "Now, now, children, behave," he boomed telepathically. "Now is not the time for a lovers' quarrel." "Lovers' quarrel?! This is no lovers' quarrel! This is me getting revenge for my family!," Jane argued. "What could we do you for, Slendy?," Jeff inquired.
"Hey, you two need to quiet down. There are people roaming the woods with cameras, and they can't find out about our existence," he said. "As if they don't already write shitty fanfics about us," Jeff said, rolling his eyes.
"Okay, the fan fiction is entirely beside the point. I mean that they can't know that we're really real," he said with emphasis. "Hey, they're gone now," hollered Ticci Toby. "Thanks," replied Slenderman. He released Jane's wrist. (By the way, if you don't know what any of these people look like, Google it.)
"Okay, see you later. And behave!" And with that, Slenderman and his proxy were gone. "Well Jeff, time to die- wait! Where the hell did you go, you bastard?!," she yelled.
Jeff knew better than to stick around. He was just fooling around when he was implying that Jane might have a crush on him, because he knew that deep down inside, what she truly wanted was for him to die a slow and painful death. Although it was kind of fair that she wanted this after he killed her family and horribly disfigured her face with bleach and fire, he still thought that it was kind of unfortunate considering the fact that she was the only girl he knew who was as beautiful as himself. (Well, in his opinion, at least.)
Also, he found her strength and determination very attractive. But alas, she hated him, and she had a pretty good reason for it, too. Suddenly, he heard the muffled voice of a grown man. "Get back here with those kidneys! Those are for dying children!" Jeff cautiously peeked out from behind a tree.
He saw the familiar blue mask of Eyeless Jack, who was currently sprinting through the woods while carrying a bag of frozen kidneys. In hot pursuit behind him was a man that Jeff did not recognize.
The man was wearing boots, black pants, a dark red hooded jacket that looked like something that someone in a nineteenth century marching band would wear, and a plague doctor's mask with green goggles over the eyeholes. Jeff could see that the strange man had long black hair because the hood had slipped off his head while he was running.
Wait, he had heard of this guy before! He was that Doctor guy who killed criminals and put their organs into dying children! He didn't particularly like that guy, and he was chasing after a friend of his, so he figured that he should help EJ out and get rid of this guy for him.
"Hey! Bird-Face! Over here!," Jeff shouted. He waved his arms up and down while shouting taunts to get the strange man's attention. The Doctor turned around. Now what?
"What the hell?!," Doctor Evander Locklear exclaimed. Jogging towards him was what must have been a person, but something horribly wrong had happened with this kid's face.
His skin was bleached white and there were two cuts in his cheeks that went from the corners of his mouth to his ears, forming a creepy, Joker-like grin that was permanently carved into his face. Also, there were two charcoal-black circles where his eyelids should have been, indicating that his eyelids were burnt off.
Doctor Locklear was caught so off-guard by this young man's horrifying features that he just barely noticed it when the monstrosity of a boy dove at him with a knife in his hand.
"Go to sle-!" Jeff's catchphrase was cut off as he received a BOOT TO THE HEAD! (Or, in boring and unfunny terms, Evander kicked him in the face to deflect his attack. Also, I would really appreciate it if someone could animate this scene, because I think that it's kind of funny.)
"Aaaahhh! That smarts!," Jeff exclaimed as he fell on his butt, holding his now bleeding nose. (Yes, he does have a nose. I know that he is too often drawn without one, but his story says nothing about him losing his nose.) "I'll leave you for now, but you won't get away with this!," Jeff proclaimed before disappearing into the night.
Locklear returned his attention to the weirdo wearing the blue mask who stole those kidneys out of his freezer. He really needed those for all those kids on his list who needed kidneys... Hey, he might be a killer, but he still had a heart. Besides, if he let those kids down, they could die... Which reminds me...
***
Remember in the beginning when I mentioned a guy named Brian? Well, allow me to introduce him to you now: Brian is twenty-two years old and works at his local Target as a condescending fashion sales assistant. He lives alone and goes to college, paying his way. All of his classes are in the morning, so he's able to go to work in the afternoon.
His parents also helped pay for college, and he has always lived a pretty privileged life because his parents both owned very successful businesses. He has brown hair and brown eyes. He will be the character in this story who meets all of the monsters that the internet has made.
Since it's summer, he's out of school for now, and is currently staying in an apartment that he's using his student loan to pay for. There was a pretty wild party the other night, so he decided to just stay home and search the internet for some good creepypastas to read. He went on creepypastas.com and clicked on the first story he saw.
He was a paragraph in when he realized something. "I can't read a word this person has written, their spelling and grammar is so poor." "Read my story. At least the person who wrote that can spell," suggested a thin voice.
Brian froze and remembered that he lived alone... So who was that?! He took out his switchblade that he kept for self defense. "Who's there?!," he called, holding the knife out in front of him. The voice giggled from an unknown place.
Then a black cloud of smoke appeared with glitter shooting out of it. "Come one, come all! See the best clown of them all! The Laughing Jack-in-a-Box!," announced the strange voice. Then a figure leapt from the cloud and bowed.
The figure was tall, about a foot or two taller than Brian, who was six feet tall. He was also rather thin, and he had black hair, pale white skin, and black eyes. He was dressed in a patchwork clown outfit, only instead of being colorful, it was only black and white. His nose was also unlike that of traditional clowns, because rather than being a red ball that squeaked, it was a cone with a black and white swirl on it.
Brian was not used to seeing seven-foot monster clowns, and disliked clowns in general, although he would have very much preferred a normal circus clown to this thing. Due to that and the fact that he was kind of wuss when it came to actual danger put together, he fainted.
Laughing Jack frowned. If this kid was going to faint so much, then this was going to be no fun at all! And fun was what Laughing Jack was all about! Also, he wasn't that scary. Well, at least not in his own opinion, but when you're a monster clown with magical powers, not very much is going to be scary to you. (Well, except for the fact that Donald Trump is president, but that's scary to almost everyone!)
Brian came to in only a minute or so. "Whoa, that was a weird- HOLY CRAP! IT WASN'T A DREAM!" He, like any person who was right in their mind would, ran right out of there. Another black cloud appeared before him and there was Laughing Jack again. "Ah, ah, ah!," he said while wagging his finger.
"What do you want from me?!," Brian demanded. "I want to play a game," Laughing Jack replied with an evil grin that showed off his pointed (and wicked in a cool way) teeth. "Nuh-uh! I am not doing this Jigsaw BS!," Brian exclaimed. As you can see, he has watched plenty of horror movies in addition to reading scary internet stories. He turned and tried to get away again, but Laughing Jack just appeared in front of him again.
Before he could say or do anything, however, a chainsaw went through his back and out through his belly, spurting guts and inky black blood all over Brian and his brand new white Nikes. (Yes, I do love blood and gore. How did you know?) "Aaaaaahhhhh! My new shoes!," Brian exclaimed. "Oh, yeah! Worry about your shoes when I got stabbed by a friggin' chainsaw over here! That's real nice!," Laughing Jack complained.
"Well, I like my shoes better than I like you!," Brian pointed out. "Man, that's just cold," Laughing Jack sniffed. Before he could get any more monster blood on him, Brian decided to split the scene. While fleeing, he noticed that the one who had stabbed Laughing Jack with a chainsaw was what seemed to be a female version of Laughing Jack. (Mary Sues! Gotta love 'em!)
She ignored him. He wasn't worth her time right now. He was glad for that, because he wasn't in the mood for having two magical clowns wanting to kill him in violent ways at the same time. Any way, he ran and ran and kept on running until he was in the forest that was conveniently located near his apartment building.
When he was sure that Laughing Jack wasn't near him anymore (he doubted that Laughing Jack could teleport when there was a chainsaw through him), so he sat down and leaned against one of the many trees available. He only intended on catching his breath real quick, but he soon found himself dozing.
All of a sudden, he awoke to a small sound. It was the sound of a little girl crying. He squinted his eyes in the darkness. Before him was a little girl who was doubled over in tears.
She had light brown hair that would be rather pretty if it weren't so tangled and matted, and was wearing a pink nightgown that was covered with bloodstains and had dirt smeared into it, and was barefoot, even though there was quite a collection of sharp sticks and rocks and little, biting creatures on the forest floor.
Brian felt sorry for this little girl, so he gently called out to her, "Hey. Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying, kid?" The child then stopped crying, straightened up, and turned to him with a malicious grin.
She had flashing green eyes, her face was battered, bruised, and scraped, and he noticed a distinct and deep stab wound in her little chest. "Will you play with me?," she inquired while slowly walking toward him with the intent of a hungry wolf.
Brian froze like a deer in headlights. This little girl seemed so harmless, yet proved very terrifying. His common sense then kicked in and he ran for the hills. He ran in the direction opposite from where she was, naturally, but she reappeared right in front of him once more. "Play with me," she demanded.
"God damn it, why do all of these things that want me to die have teleportation powers?!," Brian exclaimed in frustration. (Hey, it isn't easy to be the main character in a horror/comedy story!) Suddenly, an out-of-breath man ran in. He was wearing a blue mask with empty eyeholes and what seemed like tar dripping from them, a black hoodie, blue jeans, and black sneakers.
Eyeless Jack had just lost that guy in the plague doctor mask, who had some amazing speed and stamina. "Wow! He really doesn't give up, does he?!," he thought to himself. All he wanted was some kidneys! He was hungry! That guy should just be grateful that he didn't lose his own kidneys! Besides, he gave them back... If you count chucking them at the other guy's head as hard as possible as giving them back, that is. The bag of frozen kidneys had, thankfully for EJ, knocked that guy unconscious, making it so that he could make his escape.
The little girl turned and looked toward the new arrival. "Will you play with me?," she asked him, seemingly losing interest in Brian. Sally just wanted to play with someone, but everyone keeps running away from her. She knew she looked kind of scary because she was dead and all, but really she was just lonely and misunderstood. And it didn't really help that the Internet was making her out to be a malicious, bloodthirsty demon. But a guy who's already scary like this one wouldn't run away from her...
Brian saw his chance and ran. He then immediately hit what seemed like a man who was, like Laughing Jack, at least a foot or two taller than him. He backed up and said, "Oh, sorry, I didn't see you... " He left off there because the features of this guy made it obvious that he wasn't really human.
"Ah, it's okay, handsome," replied the tall thing. If it had eyes, he'd swear that it would have been winking at him. But it didn't, just a smooth canvas of skin. It didn't have a nose, either, just a mouth that was pulled into a wide, toothy grin. It was also wearing black boots and a trench coat. (Has anyone else noticed that around 85% of all creepypastas wear no colors other than black and/or white? I mean, seriously, if you're going to go around killing people, at least have the the sense to wear red, because blood doesn't show up on that as well. Black is a good color for that, too, but white most definitely isn't.)
Suddenly, white, slimy tendrils slid out from under the trench coat. One of them gripped a red rose, and the creatures held it out to Brian, offering it to him. "Ah nah! I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going!" And with that he ran off.
Before he had gotten very far, however, one of the moist tentacles had wrapped around his ankle, causing him to fall flat on his face. Once he got over the initial shock, he soon realized that he was being dragged toward the creature. "Aw, c'mon, don't be like that," it purred. Brian screamed and clawed at the ground. Although the tentacle was slippery, it was also significantly stronger than him, and it was gripped very firmly onto him.
That's when Brian remembered his switchblade. He had kept it with him and put it in his pocket when he fell asleep against that tree. He had almost forgotten about it until now. He quickly took it out as he was being pulled a mere foot away from the being. He pushed the button that flipped it out and slashed the tendril with which the creature had him trapped.
The tall thing howled in pain and quickly released his ankle. Knowing that he didn't have a second to lose, Brian quickly sprinted away as if his life (or virginity) depended on it. "Hey! Get back here, ya little shit!," the thing yelled. Brian kept on running, dodging between the trees. He didn't dodge, all the branches, however, so many scratches appeared on his face.
The tall thing was gaining on him, however, due to his longer legs and better stamina. He was pretty used to having to chase people down. Besides, this bastard just cut him! He wasn't going to get away with that!
Suddenly, a girl who was about the same age as Brian ran in between the two, blocking the tall thing's path. She had black hair, a black dress, a white mask with black lace in the eyeholes, and a butchers knife. "Back off of him, you pervert!," she yelled. "Oh, my! Well if it isn't Jane. I must say, I forgot what a marvelous figure you have," grinned the lustful creature.
Jane dove at him with her knife, leaving a perfect opening for Brian to flee. Again. With all the running he's been doing, he was going to make the track team for sure this time! Unfortunately, he didn't really do all this running of his own volition, as you very well know. After being certain that there were no killers of any kind in the area, he collapsed against a tree and caught his breath.
"Rough night?," inquired a man's voice. Brian spun around quickly. What now? Before him he saw a man who had olive skin, electric blue eyes, and long black curls. In one hand was a plague doctors mask, and in the other hand he held a bag of once-frozen-but-now-thawed kidneys.
Brian looked him up and down and backed away slowly, not sure of who to trust in this demented forest. The man chuckled, a very normal chuckle that eased Brian's fears slightly. "Relax, I don't kill innocent people," the man said. "I could understand how you're nervous in these woods, though," he then muttered under his breath.
Evander was just glad that nothing tried to kill him while he was knocked out. He was also glad that he got the kidneys back, although he pondered whether or not the kidneys were still worth the concussion that they had probably given him. Speaking of which, he should get back and put these kidneys in the freezer...
"Yeah, be careful around here, though," Evander warned him. "Better yet, just go home and get cleaned up." And with that Evander turned around and left. Brian took his advice and went home, carefully locking his door behind him. He then walked over to his laptop and shut it. He had had way more than enough of creepypastas for one night.
***
The next day he went back to his job at Target. It was almost as if the other night was a dream... Except for the fact that he still had the scratches all over his face from the trees and that Laughing Jack's blood was probably never going to get out of his clothes. He sighed, thinking that he should just focus on hanging these bras up rather than think about it too much.
"Hey, it's gonna be okay," said a sassy but sympathetic voice as the owner put a hand on his shoulder. "Thanks," Brian replied, knowing that the person was trying to make him feel better. He then observed that the hand on his shoulder was paper white...
Brian looked up at the blank face of the figure and screamed. The hand then quickly clapped onto his mouth. "Whoa, calm down, hon. I'm not like my brothers, I promise," said the figure, who gently released his jaw. Brian looked him up and down. He was like the one from last night, only he had no mouth and a pair of glasses which somehow rested on the smooth canvas of skin that was where his face should have been.
He also displayed a much better sense in fashion with his light blue sweater, skinny jeans, and an aqua blue scarf spun stylishly about his throat. "Hey, what happened to your face?," he asked. Brian gently ran his fingers over his cheekbone, remembering how he had ran through the trees with all of his focus on getting away from the striking tendrils and none of it on the sharp branches that were in his way.
"Oh, nothing. Just some branches, that's all. I'm fine," Brian replied awkwardly. "Okay," said the taller and more fashionable brother. (I know that he'd get pissed if I call him a creature. I know that he's not really real, but just in case...) He then left Brian to his work.
Brian finished up with work and returned home. Unknown by him, Jeff the Killer was an expert locksmith who was in need of an actual home. So when he walked through the door, he was not expecting what happened next. He suddenly had to dodge a flying knife, which had just missed him by a hair. It landed with its blade sunken deep into the wall, wobbling its repertoire.
"What the hell?!," he exclaimed. "Go to sleep!," yelled the monstrosity of a kid as he dove at Brian. Brian dodged him and allowed him to fly out into the hallway, closing, dead bolting, and chain locking it behind him.
"Hey, give me my knife back!," demanded Jeff as he banged both of his fists against the door. "Go away before I call the cops!," Brian yelled back at him through the door. "After I get my knife!," Jeff insisted. "Fine!" Brian pulled the knife out of the wall, swiftly unlocked and opened the door, and threw the knife at Jeff. He then shut and locked the door again. He had just met this crazy killer and he was already tired of his shit.
"Ow! Hey, you got me in the gut, you wanker!," Jeff complained. "Since I've been unrealistically written, I'll survive this and come back for revenge, but I'll leave you for now!," he threatened. Jeff then removed the knife from his abdomen and went back to the woods.
He figured that since he and his Mary Sue counterpart were both given unrealistic strength and abilities, he should be able to handle her now. But for now, he would just rather try to avoid her as much as possible and find a comfortable place to take a nap.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the woods, Jane and Slenderman were having an argument. "Why should I have to listen to you! Just because you're one of the 'king of the creepypastas' doesn't mean that you can order me around!" "Actually, that's exactly what it means, and also, I happen to be way more well written than you." He then handed her a bag of ice. "Here. Take it,"he said. "What do I need this for?," she asked. "For that burn,"he said.
She threw the ice on the ground and stormed off, angry at the double entendre that he had just made, mainly because it was hurtful in more than one way. Ticci Toby then arrived, avoiding Jane like the plague, knowing how volatile she can be. Jeff then arrived shortly after him.
"Hey, you're not supposed to be in this scene!," yelled Slenderman. "Screw you! I work for Mel Brooks!," replied the killer. "Yeah, go back before you make me angry," he said, in no mood to deal with Jeff. "Okay." And with that, Jeff was gone as quickly as he had arrived.
It was at this point that Jeff decided to just sleep in that tree he was in last night. He climbed the trunk and then made himself comfortable in the branches, pulling his hoodie over his head and slipping into a particularly deep sleep. His throat was then slit by Jane the Killer.
He tumbled out of the tree, making gurgling sounds as he desperately tried to say something, anything, through the blood that was flooding his throat. But it was in vain, for Jane had severed his vocal chords as well. He was then swiftly dismembered by a chainsaw by Laughing Jill, Laughing Jack's female counterpart.
Jane and Jill then slapped a high-five, because their teamwork had payed off. They then looked up to see Ticci Toby. "Yeah, I'm just going to leave...," he said, backing away slowly. "Hey, don't forget the ending!," Jane reminded him. "Oh yeah, that's right!," he said, slapping his own forehead.
He then turned to you, the audience and said, "Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!" And that concludes our tale. I hope that you liked it and will remember to avoid murderers, such as the guy in the blue mask creeping up behind me right now...